Drowning

I'm tired
I'm done
I'm doing all I've been told to do and I'm floundering
I'm angry
I'm stressed out
I don't know where to go from here
I don't know what else I can do
I'm trying so hard to not give up
It's all I can do to hang on
It's hard to have faith when you're drowning in darkness

Just Journal Day 2

This.

This picture is my reminder today.

A reminder that the girl on the left existed.

A reminder that I am not that girl anymore.

Today, I am the girl on the right. 

Still sad, still tired, but sober.

The last 15 days and 21 and a half hours have been a mentally exhausting roller coaster.

This picture allows me to see that there is a difference occurring no matter how minute it might seem. 

These two pictures side by side allow me to measure my progress. 

There's a lot left ahead of me.

I've got a lot to work on.

But this is my reminder:

I don't like looking like the girl on the left.

I don't like who the girl on the left was becoming.

I am better than her.

Just Journal

I sat with my doctor today.
He asked what I did with my days.
I was embarrassed to admit that I'm not doing anything at all.
Like, not a single thing.
I blinked back tears afraid he'd admonish me for I don't know what... being depressed and in a mental fog after fighting the demons in my head every day.
But he didn't.
He gently told me that it was okay.
It was okay to do nothing.
It was okay to feel not okay.
Instead he told me he was proud of how far I've come defeating those thoughts and challenges every day.
Then he challenged me.
If I can do anything at all-
Just journal.
One page a day.
I think I can do that.
So here's my first journal entry.
I'm learning that it's okay to be tired, it's okay to just breathe.
I can let go of the warrior pose and the Cheshire grin.
This isn't where it ends,
it's where I begin.

Hash tag Gamer For Life

My Grandpas both loved playing games. 

I'd say my Grandpa Layton's favorite game was Canasta, and boy was he a competitive player! 

One of my favorite memories was sitting around the card table with him holding his cards in front of his face and laughing while wiggling his eyebrows. 

His eyes, twinkling behind his glasses as he silently dared me to make a move. 

He won. 

All the time.

He was a great card player.

My Grandpa Conrad loved Crokinole. 

As the years took from him his speech and mobility, it never seemed to take away his incredible aim with the Crokinole Cue! He was a sure shot and would smirk everytime he blew one of us out of range. 

I always enjoyed playing games with my Grandpas.

I think we have something on common.

I love games.

I have all these great games sitting on shelves and I just can't wait until my kids come home so we can play. 

Throughout the year, we seem to be caught up in work, school,  and the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

The only time we seem to gather to play is over the holidays.

I plan to change this in the New Year.

I want to enjoy my kids' company before they grow up and move on with their own lives.

I want to put phones and technology behind so we can talk and laugh. 

I want to cement a bond so that when they're away from home one day, they'll look back and remember the looks on their faces, the "remember the time when..." moments. The fun, the lighthearted laughter of an uncomplicated time.

I want them to want to gather home and play.

I want them to leave their stresses behind, let down their guard, to feel like time has stood still.

I still remember the look on my Grandpa Layton's face when I told him I knew how to play canasta.

The glint in my Grandpa Conrad's eye just before he lined up his cue.

There's one other thing we may have in common...

I like to win too!

Mind over Matter

When you stare life face to face,
That's the real thing.
You can't run.
You can't hide.
It's there.
Staring right back at you.
All the wrongs you've done.
All the rights.
You do the math and it doesn't wash.
How do you compete?
Why do you even care?
If all is said and all is done...
Why is there so much left to do?
How do you accomplish?
How do you overcome.
Weaknesses, Strengths.
It's all in the mind they say.
Mind over matter.
If you haven't got a mind it doesn't matter.
Yet here I sit spinning.
Wondering if anything is worth my mind.
Wondering if anything matters.
Asking myself "why" over and over.
If it doesn't matter... why do I mind?

Echo

When you think you know and you don't know anything at all.
When you work so hard and you don't have anything to show.
When you give your heart and soul but nobody gives a damn.
And all you've done- ends in broken shards.
You spend all your time searching for answers and when you do they end up wrong.
The road is paved with good intentions.
But nobody counts the blood and tears.
So another day ends and all is forgotten- except the things that haunt you most.
All you can see are your mistaken errors and all the times you felt you lost.
This is my day and this is my nightmare- And all that echos are the fears in my head.

The same old song

When your whole heart aches because your mind's been shattered.
And you're shivering cold in the heat of summer.
When you want to scream but no one cares.
And you want to run but you don't know where.

When all your friends are superficial.
You think they know you but you don't know yourself.
You want to tell but your concious won't let you.
And you hold it all in until you think you'll explode.
And then you gasp for air but there's nothing there.

When all you do is an empty cycle.
You think you can but you know you won't.
You want to cry but the tears are dry.
And you curse yourself but you don't know why.

And then it plays again, an endless rerun.
You want to let go but you know you can't.
Because it hurts too much and then you see.
How alone you are in world of hope.
And you take a big breath buy you just can't cope.

And then it plays again
The same old song.