I'm doing all I've been told to do and I'm floundering
I'm stressed out
I don't know where to go from here
I don't know what else I can do
I'm trying so hard to not give up
It's all I can do to hang on
It's hard to have faith when you're drowning in darkness
Saturday, May 18, 2019
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
I sat with my doctor today.
He asked what I did with my days.
I was embarrassed to admit that I'm not doing anything at all.
Like, not a single thing.
I blinked back tears afraid he'd admonish me for I don't know what... being depressed and in a mental fog after fighting the demons in my head every day.
But he didn't.
He gently told me that it was okay.
It was okay to do nothing.
It was okay to feel not okay.
Instead he told me he was proud of how far I've come defeating those thoughts and challenges every day.
Then he challenged me.
If I can do anything at all-
One page a day.
I think I can do that.
So here's my first journal entry.
I'm learning that it's okay to be tired, it's okay to just breathe.
I can let go of the warrior pose and the Cheshire grin.
This isn't where it ends,
it's where I begin.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
That's the real thing.
You can't run.
You can't hide.
Staring right back at you.
All the wrongs you've done.
All the rights.
You do the math and it doesn't wash.
How do you compete?
Why do you even care?
If all is said and all is done...
Why is there so much left to do?
How do you accomplish?
How do you overcome.
It's all in the mind they say.
Mind over matter.
If you haven't got a mind it doesn't matter.
Yet here I sit spinning.
Wondering if anything is worth my mind.
Wondering if anything matters.
Asking myself "why" over and over.
If it doesn't matter... why do I mind?
Friday, May 26, 2017
When you think you know and you don't know anything at all.
When you work so hard and you don't have anything to show.
When you give your heart and soul but nobody gives a damn.
And all you've done- ends in broken shards.
You spend all your time searching for answers and when you do they end up wrong.
The road is paved with good intentions.
But nobody counts the blood and tears.
So another day ends and all is forgotten- except the things that haunt you most.
All you can see are your mistaken errors and all the times you felt you lost.
This is my day and this is my nightmare- And all that echos are the fears in my head.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
When your whole heart aches because your mind's been shattered.
And you're shivering cold in the heat of summer.
When you want to scream but no one cares.
And you want to run but you don't know where.
When all your friends are superficial.
You think they know you but you don't know yourself.
You want to tell but your concious won't let you.
And you hold it all in until you think you'll explode.
And then you gasp for air but there's nothing there.
When all you do is an empty cycle.
You think you can but you know you won't.
You want to cry but the tears are dry.
And you curse yourself but you don't know why.
And then it plays again, an endless rerun.
You want to let go but you know you can't.
Because it hurts too much and then you see.
How alone you are in world of hope.
And you take a big breath buy you just can't cope.
And then it plays again
The same old song.