Shattered

This blog post comes with a disclaimer:
These are my thoughts.
I am opening a very small door that leads to a greater part of me.
I am letting you into the most vulnerable parts of me.
I do not want to hear your ranting and ravings and overzealous preachings.
Regardless if you are for or against what I have written.
These are MY writings. MY feelings. 

If I ever had to determine what my biggest flaw was it would be that I love too much-that I feel too deeply.

As I sit here in a stoic silence -inside my head I'm screaming.

I listen to the outside world.

The hate, the destruction of humanity and I want nothing more than to close my door. 

To surround myself with the peacefulness of my home.

The peace I have created.

The peace I do not want ruptured.

I spent years living a hell I was forever trying to escape.

I have been broken, shattered, and exploited yet each time I have been able to piece myself together again.

My favorite animal when I was two or three was an albatross.

My mother said "why an albatross it's kind of an ugly bird."

I looked at her with shock on my face and blurted out: "I think it's Beautiful!"

I loved it because nobody ever chooses it. I felt badly because it's never been a favorite.

My favorite color is brown because nobody ever picks brown and I wanted it know that somebody loved it.

I am rooter for the underdog. I love the broken, the fallen, the scarred, and the misfits.  Because I couldn't imagine living life and not knowing someone needed to be loved. 

I couldn't live bearing the thought that I wasn't loved. 

If I feel that need doesn't everyone?

The curse that goes a long with that is that I subject myself to being used and abused over and over again. To the point wherein I let only a few select people into my life. 

I don't trust people. 

I am still willing to go at the drop of a hat to help some one in need

But I am content to return to my home by myself because it means I am safe.

And so here I sit looking at my little world and I'm shaking inside.  

I'm enraged. 

 I am screaming and yelling inside my head. 

And the peace of my world has been smashed.

I am supposed to forgive. 

In this instance I cannot.

When someone who has hurt my child is allowed to go on as though life is normal. 

That is not okay with me.

When your actions leave the rest of us to pick up the pieces, to justify your behavior on behalf of you.

That is disgusting.

When the church rallies around you and puts aside the concerns of other parishioners that is wrong.

When they ask the victims to pardon you for what you have done so that you can feel better about yourself. 

That is disgusting.

I am angry.

I am upset.

I am still not ready to forgive.

If the church feels the feelings and soul of a child predator is worth more than the feelings and souls of his victims. 

I cannot be a part of this.

I've overcome every obstacle proving to me that within the church it is very much a Man's world. 

 I've still pushed through.  

Hung onto that thread of hope. 

That there is truth to all I've been trying so hard to center myself around.

I am sorry.

This is it for me.

I cannot anymore.

I have a testimony of God and Christ. 

That there is something more to the life we have before us. 

But I cannot believe that what is happening right now is right.

My life has been blessed and I do not deny that God has blessed it.

But when you've put everything you have in to something and been screwed around at every turn by the people who are supposed to advise you.

I can't.

I believe the gospel is true. 

I think the people are ruining it.

If that makes me a bad Christian.

Then so be it.

"I Can't Go Back To Yesterday Because I Was A Different Person Then." -Lewis Caroll

Lewis Caroll is great isn't he?

I mean for a hallucinating rambling author he had quite a way with words.

His writings always give me cause to pause and view life through a broader scope.

I sit and think a lot sometimes about the past twenty years of my life. 

Knowing what I know now, would I have made different choices?

Would I have pursued my goal of becoming a Marine Biologist?

Would I have pursued my passion for the Stage?

Would I have pushed myself harder and become an Olympic Swimmer?

Or Would I have ended up walking the catwalk in Milan, my face splashing the cover of Vogue?

All of those things were within my grasp.

All of those things I so easily gave up on. 

It's funny, as a Swim Coach I spent my time teaching kids to not limit themselves. 

To push through the barriers and limitations set upon them by their own insecurities and by the world.

I routinely taught them that "There was no such thing as "Can't." 

That the word simply didn't exist.

I watched children who could barely put their face in the water excel and grow into superb athletes. 

I shared in their enthusiasm and praised their accomplishments whenever a new skill was learned.

I often wondered why I set such harsh limitations on myself.

Why was I so eager for everyone else to succeed and so content with mediocrity for myself.

With my own children, I encourage them to pursue their dreams, goals, passions. Whatever drives them is where I want them to succeed. 

I want them to look back on their life in twenty years and be exactly where they wanted to be. 

Doing exactly what they wanted to be doing.

I wouldn't say that I regret my life by any means.

The choices I've made have allowed me to raise three beautiful and incredibly gifted and talented children.

As my children are growing up, almost ready to leave the nest, I'm starting to think more and more about my future.

Am I satisfied continuing life the way I have been?

I know that I am not.

So what do I change?

How do I do things differently?

How do I make it so that in twenty years from now I can look back and be content with the way the rest of my life played out?

I don't really know. 

But I think I'll start with removing some of those limitations I've set for myself.

"In the end... we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make," - Lewis Caroll

”The methods of madness, the pathos, the sadness. God help you all, the insane and the wise”

I think November is the hardest month out of the year.

Sandy Denny nails it in her song Late November:

"The methods of madness, the pathos, the sadness. God help you all, the insane and the wise."

It's like November is the Time Out month.

I hold it all together the rest of the months and then

*SNAP*

November happens.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of all the hate.

I'm tired of all the political madness.

I'm tired of trying to please everybody and pleasing nobody.

I'm tired of working so hard and getting absolutely nowhere.

I go to bed exhausted.

I wake up exhausted.

The world is crazy and draining.

It is full of madness.

Too many Pathos.

Too much Sadness.

Even November is like

"ENOUGH!"

Daylight is shorter, the days grow colder, the skies turn grayer it's as though the World shuts off.

November hits and it's time to take a knee,

Sit out for a moment,

Breathe.

I look at November as a month of reflection.

Did I do my best throughout the year?

Could I have helped more people?

Could I have been a nicer person?

Could I have taught my children differently - better?

Could I have worked harder on my yearly goals?

There is always only one answer, and it is always the same.

YES.

And that depresses me.

Drives me insane.

Makes me feel worthless.

Like I don't try hard enough.

The last couple of years, I've decided I didn't like this way of feeling.

I wanted to get out of the slump of November Sadness.

I had to come up with a way to distract me from falling into this insane madness.

So as the days grow colder, the sunlight hours shorter, as I move through the month in a grayscale stupor I look for simple reasons to be thankful.

I believe that when I feel as though the daily grind is closing in, when the madness of the world comes crushing down, when November feels cold and dark if I look for reasons to be thankful the beauty of the world shines through the cracks.

The more I find to be thankful for, the brighter the days become.

I'm not saying that it's easy.

Or that I'm a super happy cheery person everyday because let's face it, I can be pretty disconsolate.

But when I'm looking for the good, I don't have as much time for all the crazy sadness.

There is Beauty All Around

Even in November

If you take the time to look for it.

Home is where the Heart is, and my Heart has just been broken.

My whole life, I've dreamed of one day living in the United States again.
I've felt somewhat displaced although the majority of my years have been spent in Canada.
America has always has it's flaws as any country does.
I never thought life there would be glorious or perfect.
I just always wanted to go home.

Circumstances in my life have not made this possible.

In recent events, I'm feeling even more displaced.
Saddened.
Disheartened for a Country who more than their self, their country loved and whom confirmed their souls in self control touting liberty in law.
Embarrassed for a Country who has always Boasted that they would crown their good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea.

This election has been a gross monstrosity of mockery to what everything America has stood for.
For everything I remember America being.
Both the Democrat and Republican parties should be ashamed of themselves.
Neither side has proven that they have the best interests of their citizens at heart.
Neither candidate was a great choice for America.
There was lying and bigotry on both sides, gross misconduct regarding women on both sides.
One candidate who was unashamed to voice his political and personal views no matter how demeaning and offensive they were.
Another candidate who flip flopped on values and views so many times I wasn't sure what her opinions in the end really were.

Where was the fight for Citizens in all of this?
Where were the promises that the candidates would fight for our rights?
That all citizens of the United States would be protected and valued - where was that promise in all of this?

America is supposed to be the land of the free, and the home of the brave.
I feel as though this has been a selfish narcissistic  battle for self touted glory.

For someone like me, this makes the world a very lonely place.
I feel as though I truly don't belong anywhere.
And that is a scary thought for someone in my position.

As a landed immigrant I am not a citizen of Canada.
I don't have the same rights as a citizen of Canada.
My solace of being able to live peacefully in Canada is based on the direct relationship Canada has with the United States.

I am concerned for the well being of my family and friends in the United States.
I am concerned for the well being of my family and friends in Canada.
I am concerned for the impact this election has for the relationship between two sister countries.

I do not think that this is a trivial time.
That we can blink and four years will have passed peacefully.
I think that it is a pivotal moment for the United States, for Canada, for the World.
I don't like to tout impending gloom and doom but I fear for the state of the world as we knew it.

Trump will not go Gently into the Night.
He will fight,

Today I cry for the America I remember.

Oh Say can you See
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed
At the twilights last gleaming
Who's broad stripes and bright stars
Through the perilous fight
O'er the ramparts we watched
Were so gallantly streaming
And the rocket's red glare!
The bombs bursting in air!
Gave proof through the night
That our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free
And the home of the brave.

I just wanted to go home.