Where Did Wonder Woman Go?

Once upon a time I thought I was Wonder Woman.
That I could do it all.
Well I spoke the truth.
I wore the bracelets and braced the shield.
I destructed anyway.
If the jet was real, I'd fade away-
Instead, I'm hanging up my sandals.
Throwing down the sword.
Make Believe was my armor,
Now it's an unamoured lie.

The Harder I Try The Better I Fall

The world squeezes so tight that I can't breathe.
I'm moving forward in liquid motion  watching people dance by in a blurried frenzy.
A friendly voice on the end of the line in a twisted fate hides a cowards face.
Stuck in a prison I'm afraid to leave watching rose petals fall in a listless angst.
Here's to the dreamers wishing on fallen stars.
Here's to the realists living on borrowed dreams.
To the ones who love and to the ones who live.
I used to be the one who lived to love.

The Light At The End.

I stand alone in a crowded room
I open my mouth to scream a silent scream
My face is set in a stoic silence, inside I break into a thousand pieces.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel.  I spin around and the light is still there.
Which way do I go?
"Into the light!"
What do you do when there's a light at both ends?
When you give up your life because you owe it to others.
Which light do you choose?
Or is it safest to stay in the shadows where shadows don't disappoint.

Money Can't Buy Me Happiness....

I had the opportunity to travel to Victoria and Vancouver BC this past week.

It was a whirlwind of travel and fun and exhaustion all at the same time.

Many of you know that the reason behind my trip was for a few job interviews I had in Victoria.

Because of some minor delays and what not, I actually only made it to one interview.

This was THE Interview.

The one I wanted.

The job I wanted.

This was IT.

I went to said interview.

It was not as exactly as I had imagined it.

It was BETTER.

The Job was perfect for me.

The pay was great.

The setting Absolutely Beautiful.

The housing market quite the same as here.

The best part is!?! 

I got this dream job.

I had a lot of time to think on my way down.

A lot of time to think on my way back home.

I love British Columbia.

I will end up there soon.

I regretfully have denied this job.

The sole reason:

I made a deal with the current company I work for that if they had my back, I'd stay in return.

Believe you me, I came up with a lot of lists.

Pros and Cons.

I'm not saying I'll never make it there.

I'm not even doubting my abilities anymore.

I'm thinking, I need to honor my word.

My integrity is worth more than a paycheck.

After coming to that realization, 

It was easy for me to foresee a future in BC

I will be there.

I will come prepared.

I hope that one day, my kids read this and realize that integrity should always outweigh personal gain.

That through hard work, any goal can be accomplished.

I can't say for sure this job will be waiting for me in the next while.

I do know that there will be a job for me when the time is right.

When I have done all that I can to fulfill my primary commitment.

When it is time for me to move on without looking back.

That if it doesn't work out, I have somewhere to come back to.

Integrity is a big part of who I am. 

I am someone of my word.

No matter the cost.

Do You Know What It's Like?

Do you ever know what it's like to have so much to say.
But you can't say anything at all?

You want to scream at the top of your lungs.
But you can't because you might be heard.

Nothing is going the way it's supposed to
But you can't tell anyone...

You want to give up
But you don't have the strength.

Do you ever know what it's like to give so much away.
But you have nothing for yourself?

You want to walk away from it all
But you can't because you've nowhere to go.

Nothing is the way it was supposed to be
But you can't tell anyone...

Do you ever know what it's like to have to make a choice.
But you're not sure you made the right one?

You want to curl up in the middle of the bed in a ball
But you can't because too many people are counting on you.

You want to throw it all away.
But you can't tell anyone...

Shattered

This blog post comes with a disclaimer:
These are my thoughts.
I am opening a very small door that leads to a greater part of me.
I am letting you into the most vulnerable parts of me.
I do not want to hear your ranting and ravings and overzealous preachings.
Regardless if you are for or against what I have written.
These are MY writings. MY feelings. 

If I ever had to determine what my biggest flaw was it would be that I love too much-that I feel too deeply.

As I sit here in a stoic silence -inside my head I'm screaming.

I listen to the outside world.

The hate, the destruction of humanity and I want nothing more than to close my door. 

To surround myself with the peacefulness of my home.

The peace I have created.

The peace I do not want ruptured.

I spent years living a hell I was forever trying to escape.

I have been broken, shattered, and exploited yet each time I have been able to piece myself together again.

My favorite animal when I was two or three was an albatross.

My mother said "why an albatross it's kind of an ugly bird."

I looked at her with shock on my face and blurted out: "I think it's Beautiful!"

I loved it because nobody ever chooses it. I felt badly because it's never been a favorite.

My favorite color is brown because nobody ever picks brown and I wanted it know that somebody loved it.

I am rooter for the underdog. I love the broken, the fallen, the scarred, and the misfits.  Because I couldn't imagine living life and not knowing someone needed to be loved. 

I couldn't live bearing the thought that I wasn't loved. 

If I feel that need doesn't everyone?

The curse that goes a long with that is that I subject myself to being used and abused over and over again. To the point wherein I let only a few select people into my life. 

I don't trust people. 

I am still willing to go at the drop of a hat to help some one in need

But I am content to return to my home by myself because it means I am safe.

And so here I sit looking at my little world and I'm shaking inside.  

I'm enraged. 

 I am screaming and yelling inside my head. 

And the peace of my world has been smashed.

I am supposed to forgive. 

In this instance I cannot.

When someone who has hurt my child is allowed to go on as though life is normal. 

That is not okay with me.

When your actions leave the rest of us to pick up the pieces, to justify your behavior on behalf of you.

That is disgusting.

When the church rallies around you and puts aside the concerns of other parishioners that is wrong.

When they ask the victims to pardon you for what you have done so that you can feel better about yourself. 

That is disgusting.

I am angry.

I am upset.

I am still not ready to forgive.

If the church feels the feelings and soul of a child predator is worth more than the feelings and souls of his victims. 

I cannot be a part of this.

I've overcome every obstacle proving to me that within the church it is very much a Man's world. 

 I've still pushed through.  

Hung onto that thread of hope. 

That there is truth to all I've been trying so hard to center myself around.

I am sorry.

This is it for me.

I cannot anymore.

I have a testimony of God and Christ. 

That there is something more to the life we have before us. 

But I cannot believe that what is happening right now is right.

My life has been blessed and I do not deny that God has blessed it.

But when you've put everything you have in to something and been screwed around at every turn by the people who are supposed to advise you.

I can't.

I believe the gospel is true. 

I think the people are ruining it.

If that makes me a bad Christian.

Then so be it.

"I Can't Go Back To Yesterday Because I Was A Different Person Then." -Lewis Caroll

Lewis Caroll is great isn't he?

I mean for a hallucinating rambling author he had quite a way with words.

His writings always give me cause to pause and view life through a broader scope.

I sit and think a lot sometimes about the past twenty years of my life. 

Knowing what I know now, would I have made different choices?

Would I have pursued my goal of becoming a Marine Biologist?

Would I have pursued my passion for the Stage?

Would I have pushed myself harder and become an Olympic Swimmer?

Or Would I have ended up walking the catwalk in Milan, my face splashing the cover of Vogue?

All of those things were within my grasp.

All of those things I so easily gave up on. 

It's funny, as a Swim Coach I spent my time teaching kids to not limit themselves. 

To push through the barriers and limitations set upon them by their own insecurities and by the world.

I routinely taught them that "There was no such thing as "Can't." 

That the word simply didn't exist.

I watched children who could barely put their face in the water excel and grow into superb athletes. 

I shared in their enthusiasm and praised their accomplishments whenever a new skill was learned.

I often wondered why I set such harsh limitations on myself.

Why was I so eager for everyone else to succeed and so content with mediocrity for myself.

With my own children, I encourage them to pursue their dreams, goals, passions. Whatever drives them is where I want them to succeed. 

I want them to look back on their life in twenty years and be exactly where they wanted to be. 

Doing exactly what they wanted to be doing.

I wouldn't say that I regret my life by any means.

The choices I've made have allowed me to raise three beautiful and incredibly gifted and talented children.

As my children are growing up, almost ready to leave the nest, I'm starting to think more and more about my future.

Am I satisfied continuing life the way I have been?

I know that I am not.

So what do I change?

How do I do things differently?

How do I make it so that in twenty years from now I can look back and be content with the way the rest of my life played out?

I don't really know. 

But I think I'll start with removing some of those limitations I've set for myself.

"In the end... we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make," - Lewis Caroll